When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Randomize
