i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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