I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
