I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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