I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
