got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
