Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I need moral support for this bender
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
