I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Randomize
