I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Houston, we have a squirter
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
