More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
