There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
