There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
