so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i dont even know how to be here
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
