I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
