Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
