I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
