You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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