I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
