Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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