My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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