Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
