either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
