I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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