I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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