JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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