I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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