I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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