ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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