Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
