Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I touched a dick in church today
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
