I'd wear matching sweaters with you
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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