I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
