Your tits are I can't wait for
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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