6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
