??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
