we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
