She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My ass is underappreciated
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
