Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
