why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
