Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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