I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
