i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
