Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
