onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
