Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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