so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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