a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
