that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
