Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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