Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
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