She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
