my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
