ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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