I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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