tell your sister to shave her snatch
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
