you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I lost the right to judge tonight
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
