only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
