We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
