i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
