i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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