Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
