____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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